A. H. Mittelman
Page 1
Introduction :
Welcome to the only official book that teaches demons and monsters how to cook: The Cookbook for Demons and Monsters, Culinary Adventures for Creatures of the Night. Welcome all. Except humans, you suck. Stay out. If you’re a human, stop reading now. These recipes aren’t for you!
This book is a guide specially tailored for monsters and demons seeking to satisfy their monstrous appetites with delectable dishes. In this cookbook, we will explore a variety of recipes, starting with making a delightful pizza dinner with your human friend. So, grab your cauldrons, sharpen your fangs, and let’s go on a culinary adventure together!
Recipe One:
How to Make Your Human Friend a Pizza Dinner
First, you want to grab your ingredients from your dead animal and vegetable freezer:
Ingredients:
– Pizza dough
– Tomato sauce
– Cheese (your choice, Munster cheese preferred)
– Assorted vegetables are optional, but proceed at your own risk. They can be dangerous!
– One human friend: thaw him first
Instructions:
1. Begin by preparing the dough. Combine flour, yeast, water, and a pinch of salt in a large mixing bowl. Knead the dough until it becomes soft and squishy, like a rotten corpse.
2. Toss the dough in the air a few times. Make sure you use your claws to catch it, if the dough hits the floor it can become contaminated with rat or snake feces from your darling pets. This step is optional but highly recommended, unless your trying to give your neighbors a disease. In that case, go for it. Just rub that dough all over your feces covered floor! I mean, who needs neighbors, right?
3. Spread a generous amount of tomato sauce all over the dough. Make sure it covers the entire surface, that way nobody notices the blood beneath.
4. Sprinkle a layer of cheese on top of the sauce. Spread the cheese slowly at first, then spread it real fast. Then slow again, just in case anybody’s watching. Safety is key!
5. You can add vegetables, but do so at your own risk. Most monsters and demons are allergic to greens. Vegetables have been known to cause tongue explosions, depression and even spontaneous combustion. You’ve been warned.
WARNING: DO NOT add pineapples to the pizza. Pineapples pose an even higher risk of tongue explosion and death. Just say no… to pineapples on pizza!
6. Grab your human friend from the freezer and allow him or her to thaw out completely. Sometimes a flamethrower will help with the thawing process.
7. Once your human friend has regained consciousness, slice a few pepperoni sized pieces from his skin. Hopefully his nerves will be dead from freezer burn, but just in case you might want to wear headphones so you don’t have to listen to them scream. Then artfully arrange the pieces on top of the pizza. The savory aroma will even entice your human friend’s taste buds, and he’ll probably even want to try a slice himself when the pizzas ready!
8. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit (200 degrees Celsius). Allow it to reach the desired temperature before placing pizza.
9. Carefully place the pizza on a baking sheet or pizza stone and slide it into the oven.
10. Cook the pizza for approximately 20 minutes, or until the crust turns golden brown and the cheese melts to perfection.
11. Once the timer chimes, remove the pizza from the oven.
12. Transfer the pizza to a serving platter, and present it to all your monster and demon friends, and watch them smile with delight.
Congratulations, esteemed monster or demon! By following these simple instructions, you have successfully made your human friend a pizza dinner.